Experts believe the more love a child experiences, the greater his capacity for love becomes. There is little risk that a child's adoration of his nanny will lessen the love he feels toward his mother. Quite the contrary. He knows that it is Mommy who has provided him with this happy, secure life!
A nanny helps you be a more effective mother, just as an assistant helps you be more effective at work. Try to invert your view of the situation. When you feel rejected by your child in favor of her caregiver, think about what a happy, secure experience you've provided for her. Give yourself the credit you deserve for having found loving, dependable child care that allows you to choose to work, without the worries that plague so many other working mothers.
Think about "triggers". What are the moments or events that cause you to feel vulnerable? Generate some ideas about changes you can make in your schedule or your approach that can help relieve those tense times. Identify what it is you feel you're missing, and when it is that your child misses you. Joan Peters relates the story of a friend who arranged to arrive a 1/2 hour late for work in order to take over the job of walking her son to school. "I had felt out of the loop. I didn't know the teachers or the classmates my son talked about in the evenings." The result of that simple change: this mother now feels integrated into her son's world. A small schedule adjustment can have a huge payback in peace of mind.
Create little daily rituals that both you and your child enjoy. For that mother, it was the walk to school. For another, it may be making and eating breakfast together in the morning, or a short mid-afternoon phone conversation. Whatever it is that you do during your important time together, be sure your nanny understands that she is not to do that task unless you specifically ask her to fill in.
Don't be too "laissez-faire"--even if she is one of the world's greatest caregivers. Become involved in planning your child's day. Arrange play groups, suggest outings and projects, select the after-school programs she is to be signed up for. Discuss the day's plans with your nanny each morning, and "debrief" her at the end of the day. Or ask her to keep a log tracking the day's activities and events. Talk about the decisions and choices your nanny makes. (Editor's Note: See information on the Nanny Minder in our Nanny Store.)
Transitions are hard on a child if the "time and space" that is ending has been pleasurable. Smaller children don't have a well-developed sense of anticipation. They live in the moment, so even if what is to come will also be nice, they resist the change. This partly explains the evening rejection ritual that occurs in so many households when Mommy returns home in the evening. Give your child time to adjust. Join the activity Susie and Nanny are engaged in. Don't go off with the caregiver to debrief and leave the child alone during this difficult transition time. Arrange the schedule so your nanny doesn't have to bolt out the door as soon as you walk in--try for a 15-minute overlap. One mother we know takes care of business beforehand, talking to her nanny by cellular phone while on the homeward-bound train.
Occasionally an immature or confused caregiver will actively try to take over the mother's role. It's hard for a parent to be objective about something like this, but if you truly believe she is trying to usurp your role, you may have no alternative but to end the relationship. First, though, consider her lifestyle. Is she very isolated, with little social life and no interaction with peers? Try to help her meet other nannies. Is there a nanny support group in your area" If so, ask her to join.(Editor's Note: Call us at 860-243-2222 for a list of nanny support groups throughout the country.) If not, consider helping her start a group. Developing outside relationships might broaden her perspective, and in discussing her views about her about her job, other nannies may help her understand her role better. You can support her participation in the peer group by offering to let the group meet at your house, by providing the refreshments occasionally, or if you have a relevant expertise, by offering to speak to the group about your subject.
This article was reprinted with the permission of Nanny News. Copyright 2003. All rights reserved.
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Posted by: Jeff Anderson | August 02, 2005 at 11:15 AM
hi there
i start my job as a nanny about 5 months ago i look after 2 boy 7 and 8 years the smaller 1 is so kind and polite but the second 1 and bigger is not that much good he never respect me and just he love fight and argue he never let me to hug him or even kiss his face but the smaller like hug .my problem is what do i have to do to get closer to him and also i need his respect.
many thanks
Posted by: haleh fahimi | August 03, 2011 at 09:00 AM