Needing Nanny

Why American parents are desperately seeking some sort of supernanny to save them from their stress

By Kathryn Hopper

Special to the Star-Telegram

She's smart, nurturing, well-dressed and totally together. She's the modern-day supernanny -- think Mary Poppins with a laptop and Excel spreadsheet detailing the week's play dates and soccer schedules. And she's coming to the rescue of overworked parents and underachieving kids.

Just watch Jo Frost (left), star of ABC's January-launch reality show Supernanny. Frost's mission is "saving America one family at a time." After rolling her eyes at permissive parents who let kids run amok, Frost (who previously starred in a British show of the same title) quickly whips the clan into shape with daily schedules, menu plans and stints on "the naughty step."

Frost is the latest example of a growing American pop-culture obsession with nanny-to-the-rescue, a trend that seems to have been firmly kicked off by 2002's best-selling The Nanny Diaries. The novel, written by ex-nannies Nicola Kraus and Emma McLaughlin, tells the (hilarious and somewhat frightening) tale of a young woman charged with caring for the child of a self-obsessed, social-climbing Manhattan mother.

We've seen the nanny obsession grow with television's Supernanny and Fox's similar show, Nanny 911, (which debuted in November and is set to return with new episodes March 14). ABC's hit show Desperate Housewives also gave the nanny-mania a nod with the recent appearance of Claire, who reined in frazzled Lynette's out-of-control kids.

Our nanny love continues on the big screen: In Spanglish, Mexican maid Flor (played by Paz Vega) provides a soothing alternative to the hysterics of the hypermom played by Téa Leoni. And later this year, look for Emma Thompson in the title role of Nanny McPhee, a governess who tames the wild brood of a beleaguered widower played by Colin Firth.

The question all this new nanny affection demands is simple: Why nannies now? What is it about the idea of a Mary Poppins-perfect nanny that is once again capturing our collective imagination?

Perhaps one cause for the infatuation is our collective exhaustion. Pooped parents appear willing -- even desperate -- to welcome anyone who can help them juggle frantic schedules, mounting workloads at the office and ever rising loads of laundry and dirty dishes at home.

"So many families need help," says Jo Lambert, president of "We Care" Nannies & Beyond, a placement firm in Euless. "Shows [like Supernanny] have nannies coming into families where the children are in control and helping the parents change the dynamic so they can enjoy their family life more."

In a recent Newsweek cover story dubbed "Mommy Madness," writer Judith Warner documented American moms' exhaustion and depression in trying to keep up with ever-rising standards for parenting. The story is an excerpt of her book Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety (Riverhead Books). In the book, Warner recounts having her first child while she was living in Paris. There, she said, parents routinely left their children at home with state-subsidized child care to join friends in the evening for dinner or to go on dates with their husbands. When she returned to the States, she was stunned by how much American moms were left to go it alone. In her interviews with 150 moms, many longed for a nanny, in part to give them a break from the kids, but they believed that having one would be too expensive.

Pat Borgfeldt, a family life educator for The Parenting Center, a nonprofit agency that offers parenting classes and family counseling in Tarrant County, says her classes are filled with parents who feel overwhelmed and under-schooled in the art of raising children. She said the nanny shows are appealing because parents can see families in worse shape than their own.

"When you see the kids out of control, you're relieved they're not yours," she says. "There is so much crying and bickering, it's addictive to watch. You want to see how the nanny can undo that -- how she can help the parents regain the family's equilibrium by showing the kids there are consequences to their actions."

On each Supernanny episode, Frost begins by popping a DVD in her laptop that shows the family dynamics as captured by her camera crew. Sometimes there's a bossy pre-schooler who is bullying a younger sibling or a headstrong toddler who refuses to go to bed at night. Almost always there is a kowtowing mom who tries to appease her brood instead of maintaining discipline. In one case, a mother of three boys didn't even know where her 2-year-old was when Supernanny Frost found him outside scampering around the front yard with scissors. By the end of the show, Frost had the family on track with a schedule, discipline plan and nighttime ritual that the parents praised for bringing sanity to their home.

Borgfeldt says Supernanny's miraculous family transformations frequently come up in her parenting classes, and she believes the show can help give parents tools to improve their own parenting. She says many new moms and dads never really learned good parenting skills from their own parents, and even those who did can find that the old rules don't work.

"We can't parent the same way our parents did," she says. "Things have changed. There are new issues that we didn't have growing up, like the Internet and other technologies."

For some, the new wave of nanny superiors represents a swing in society that's not so welcome. The nanny trend, they fear, is a sort of backlash to the women's movement. While today's fictional nannies are seen as warm and loving, their female employers are viewed as self-absorbed ninnies. Joanne Green, director of women's studies at Texas Christian University, says it shows how little traditional roles have changed on the home front.

"It reinforces the notion that moms are the ones who are supposed to be managing the home," Green said. "On these shows, the nannies come in and criticize where the mom is falling short. On Desperate Housewives the nanny comes in because the mom is addicted to drugs. On Supernanny, the mom gets a long list of changes she has to make while the dad gets only "be more compassionate.' "

Green says shows like Supernanny and Nanny 911 do little more than feed on our fears and desires. The so-called experts come in and transform a wreck into something much more attractive.

"They are like Pimp My Ride, but with kids, she says.

And like Pimp My Ride, the nanny reality shows and media images are more about fulfilling a few people's fantasies than about reality.

Although nannies are an option for high-income families, just as they've always been in this country, for most Americans a full-time nanny isn't an option. Nationally, nannies average $590 a week ($532 if they're a live-in) according to the International Nanny Association. The INA, based in Houston, is a nonprofit educational association for nannies and those who employ them..

Will the nation's new nanny love last? Like most pop-culture phenomenons, probably not. After just a few episodes, for example, the youthful nanny Claire on Desperate Housewives was sacked.

And Americans have already shown they're just as likely to turn on nannies as they are to adore them. Remember the 1997 trial of British au pair Louise Woodward, who was found guilty of second-degree murder of an 8-month-old baby in Massachusetts? Although a judge later reduced the charge to involuntary manslaughter, the highly publicized trial sent sales of hidden nanny cams soaring and caused thousands of parents to re-think their plans for hiring in-home caregivers.

The question for the future, then, is simple, too: If our pop culture conscience next turns against nannies, to whom will American families turn for the next road map to family bliss?

Ah. Maybe the butler will do it.

IN THE KNOW

For more information and parenting tips from The Parenting Center, call its Parenting Advice Line from noon to 3 p.m. Monday-Friday at (817) 332-6399 or visit www.theparentingcenter.org.

How to land your own Supernanny

If you're looking for a good, reliable nanny to help you enforce your parenting rules and guidelines, you may find what you need if you are willing to make the effort. Start by following these tips:

• Decide what you want in a nanny. Do you want someone whose sole job is to care for the children or are you also going to expect her/him to do housework? Be upfront about the duties in all interviews. Pat Cascio, who is president of the International Nanny Association and operates the Houston-area nanny placement firm Morningside Nannies, said that adding housework to the mix almost always discourages top nannies from taking the job.

• Have a work agreement. The International Nanny Association recommends spelling out in detail the duties of the job and having both parents and nannies sign on. The organization offers a sample contract that deals with salary, benefits, insurance, tax considerations, as well as family and nanny expectations, household information, health and emergency, meals and vacations. You can buy the sample contract at www.nanny.org for $50.

• Check references. Double-check references. Ask former employers specific questions about why the nanny is no longer employed by them and if they would hire the nanny again. Get as much information as you can.

• Check databases. Run the applicant's name and Social Security and driver's license numbers through state and national databases to check criminal history, driving records and other potential red flags.

• Opt for a placement firm. Nanny placement agencies typically charge a $100 upfront fee, then get 10 percent of the negotiated gross annual salary of the nanny when the placement is finalized. For that fee, the agency screens applicants and checks references, provides a work agreement and often offers educational materials for the nannies and families to foster a long-term relationship.

• Even if you use a placement firm, make some calls yourself to double-check those references.

• Get tax savvy. The dreaded "Nanny Tax" has sunk many a presidential appointee who neglected to pay it. Firms like www.nannytaxprep.com offer to handle your nanny tax issues for an annual fee of $375.

• Trust your instincts. "Ninety percent of it is your gut reaction," Cascio says. "You have to ask yourself, 'How well is this person going to fit in with my family?' "

-- Kathryn Hopper

Nannies in pop culture: A refresher course

The lovable ones . . .

• Mr. French: This English gentleman's gentleman was, for all practical purposes, a nanny in a bowler hat on television's Family Affair. A stickler for details, he cared for 6-year-old twins Buffy and Jody and 15-year-old Cissy while their guardian, Uncle Bill, led the swinging singles life in 1960s New York.

• Mark Burnett: Before he launched Survivor, this Brit nannied in Beverly Hills. He credits his stint as a nanny with giving him an intimate glimpse inside the American Dream and the courage to pursue his own dream -- sans diapers.

• Mary Poppins: What nanny list would be complete without the sugar-spooning, quintessential supercalifragilisticexpialidocious nanny played by Julie Andrews in Disney's 1964 version of the classic tale by P.L. Travers?

• Fran Drescher: Her whiny Queens accent and form-fitting wardrobe won millions of fans during her run of The Nanny TV series in the 1990s. Achieved that ultimate nanny dream of marrying the boss, which means of course that now she does the job for free.

• Maria Von Trapp: Andrews scores again as Maria, former nun turned nanny to the Von Trapp clan in 1965's The Sound of Music. Gets extra points for sewing clothes out of curtains. Oh, and she marries the boss, too.

• Nanny: The nameless heroine of the bestselling The Nanny Diaries, by former nannies Nicola Kraus and Emma McLaughlin. Nanny is hired by Manhattan mom Mrs. X, even though her references are never checked because, as Nanny explains, "I am white. I speak French. My parents are college-educated. I have no visible piercings and have been to Lincoln Center in the last two months."

. . . And the scary, nanny nightmares

• Peyton Flanders: The icy nanny (played by Rebecca De Mornay) in 1992's The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, she hid her asthmatic boss's inhaler.

• Hulk Hogan: Starred in 1993's Mr. Nanny (just released last month on DVD), surviving a bowling ball to the head and other kiddo antics.

• Mrs. Baylock: Little Damien's nanny in the 1976 horror flick The Omen, she was one of Satan's most trusted handmaidens, sent to raise the Antichrist.

• Vicky: Snarky nanny/baby sitter on Nickelodeon's animated series The Fairly OddParents, her one joy in life, apart from watching television, is making trouble for her charge, Timmy.

-- Kathryn Hopper
Kathryn Hopper is a Southlake mom with four children who was able to write this story thanks to her wonderful nanny, Lisa. No, you can't have her phone number.

Comments

[Mina Janusz]

Is it okay for me to cane my nanny when she doesn't do things the way I request her to do them? When I lived in India for the past several years, it was a legal practice. Now that my husband and I have moved to the States, we're not sure if it is okay. I tried it on my first nanny and she quit on me, after beating me up and breaking my cane. Please help. I'm having a hard time controlling my domestic staff without resorting to this practice. How do you get them to listen to you if there are no repercussions for their actions?