Why American parents are desperately seeking some sort of supernanny to save them from their stress
By Kathryn Hopper
Special to the Star-Telegram
She's smart, nurturing, well-dressed and totally together. She's the
modern-day supernanny -- think Mary Poppins with a laptop and Excel
spreadsheet detailing the week's play dates and soccer schedules. And
she's coming to the rescue of overworked parents and underachieving
kids.
Just watch Jo Frost (left), star of ABC's January-launch reality show
Supernanny. Frost's mission is "saving America one family at a time."
After rolling her eyes at permissive parents who let kids run amok,
Frost (who previously starred in a British show of the same title)
quickly whips the clan into shape with daily schedules, menu plans and
stints on "the naughty step."
Frost is the latest example of a growing American pop-culture obsession
with nanny-to-the-rescue, a trend that seems to have been firmly kicked
off by 2002's best-selling The Nanny Diaries. The novel, written by
ex-nannies Nicola Kraus and Emma McLaughlin, tells the (hilarious and
somewhat frightening) tale of a young woman charged with caring for the
child of a self-obsessed, social-climbing Manhattan mother.
We've seen the nanny obsession grow with television's Supernanny and
Fox's similar show, Nanny 911, (which debuted in November and is set to
return with new episodes March 14). ABC's hit show Desperate Housewives
also gave the nanny-mania a nod with the recent appearance of Claire,
who reined in frazzled Lynette's out-of-control kids.
Our nanny love continues on the big screen: In Spanglish, Mexican maid
Flor (played by Paz Vega) provides a soothing alternative to the
hysterics of the hypermom played by Téa Leoni. And later this year,
look for Emma Thompson in the title role of Nanny McPhee, a governess
who tames the wild brood of a beleaguered widower played by Colin Firth.
The question all this new nanny affection demands is simple: Why
nannies now? What is it about the idea of a Mary Poppins-perfect nanny
that is once again capturing our collective imagination?
Perhaps one cause for the infatuation is our collective exhaustion.
Pooped parents appear willing -- even desperate -- to welcome anyone
who can help them juggle frantic schedules, mounting workloads at the
office and ever rising loads of laundry and dirty dishes at home.
"So many families need help," says Jo Lambert, president of "We Care"
Nannies & Beyond, a placement firm in Euless. "Shows [like
Supernanny] have nannies coming into families where the children are in
control and helping the parents change the dynamic so they can enjoy
their family life more."
In a recent Newsweek cover story dubbed "Mommy Madness," writer Judith
Warner documented American moms' exhaustion and depression in trying to
keep up with ever-rising standards for parenting. The story is an
excerpt of her book Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety
(Riverhead Books). In the book, Warner recounts having her first child
while she was living in Paris. There, she said, parents routinely left
their children at home with state-subsidized child care to join friends
in the evening for dinner or to go on dates with their husbands. When
she returned to the States, she was stunned by how much American moms
were left to go it alone. In her interviews with 150 moms, many longed
for a nanny, in part to give them a break from the kids, but they
believed that having one would be too expensive.
Pat Borgfeldt, a family life educator for The Parenting Center, a
nonprofit agency that offers parenting classes and family counseling in
Tarrant County, says her classes are filled with parents who feel
overwhelmed and under-schooled in the art of raising children. She said
the nanny shows are appealing because parents can see families in worse
shape than their own.
"When you see the kids out of control, you're relieved they're not
yours," she says. "There is so much crying and bickering, it's
addictive to watch. You want to see how the nanny can undo that -- how
she can help the parents regain the family's equilibrium by showing the
kids there are consequences to their actions."
On each Supernanny episode, Frost begins by popping a DVD in her laptop
that shows the family dynamics as captured by her camera crew.
Sometimes there's a bossy pre-schooler who is bullying a younger
sibling or a headstrong toddler who refuses to go to bed at night.
Almost always there is a kowtowing mom who tries to appease her brood
instead of maintaining discipline. In one case, a mother of three boys
didn't even know where her 2-year-old was when Supernanny Frost found
him outside scampering around the front yard with scissors. By the end
of the show, Frost had the family on track with a schedule, discipline
plan and nighttime ritual that the parents praised for bringing sanity
to their home.
Borgfeldt says Supernanny's miraculous family transformations
frequently come up in her parenting classes, and she believes the show
can help give parents tools to improve their own parenting. She says
many new moms and dads never really learned good parenting skills from
their own parents, and even those who did can find that the old rules
don't work.
"We can't parent the same way our parents did," she says. "Things have
changed. There are new issues that we didn't have growing up, like the
Internet and other technologies."
For some, the new wave of nanny superiors represents a swing in society
that's not so welcome. The nanny trend, they fear, is a sort of
backlash to the women's movement. While today's fictional nannies are
seen as warm and loving, their female employers are viewed as
self-absorbed ninnies. Joanne Green, director of women's studies at
Texas Christian University, says it shows how little traditional roles
have changed on the home front.
"It reinforces the notion that moms are the ones who are supposed to be
managing the home," Green said. "On these shows, the nannies come in
and criticize where the mom is falling short. On Desperate Housewives
the nanny comes in because the mom is addicted to drugs. On Supernanny,
the mom gets a long list of changes she has to make while the dad gets
only "be more compassionate.' "
Green says shows like Supernanny and Nanny 911 do little more than feed
on our fears and desires. The so-called experts come in and transform a
wreck into something much more attractive.
"They are like Pimp My Ride, but with kids, she says.
And like Pimp My Ride, the nanny reality shows and media images are
more about fulfilling a few people's fantasies than about reality.
Although nannies are an option for high-income families, just as
they've always been in this country, for most Americans a full-time
nanny isn't an option. Nationally, nannies average $590 a week ($532 if
they're a live-in) according to the International Nanny Association.
The INA, based in Houston, is a nonprofit educational association for
nannies and those who employ them..
Will the nation's new nanny love last? Like most pop-culture
phenomenons, probably not. After just a few episodes, for example, the
youthful nanny Claire on Desperate Housewives was sacked.
And Americans have already shown they're just as likely to turn on
nannies as they are to adore them. Remember the 1997 trial of British
au pair Louise Woodward, who was found guilty of second-degree murder
of an 8-month-old baby in Massachusetts? Although a judge later reduced
the charge to involuntary manslaughter, the highly publicized trial
sent sales of hidden nanny cams soaring and caused thousands of parents
to re-think their plans for hiring in-home caregivers.
The question for the future, then, is simple, too: If our pop culture
conscience next turns against nannies, to whom will American families
turn for the next road map to family bliss?
Ah. Maybe the butler will do it.
IN THE KNOW
For more information and parenting tips from The Parenting Center, call
its Parenting Advice Line from noon to 3 p.m. Monday-Friday at (817)
332-6399 or visit www.theparentingcenter.org.
How to land your own Supernanny
If you're looking for a good, reliable nanny to help you enforce your
parenting rules and guidelines, you may find what you need if you are
willing to make the effort. Start by following these tips:
• Decide what you want in a nanny. Do you want someone whose sole job
is to care for the children or are you also going to expect her/him to
do housework? Be upfront about the duties in all interviews. Pat
Cascio, who is president of the International Nanny Association and
operates the Houston-area nanny placement firm Morningside Nannies,
said that adding housework to the mix almost always discourages top
nannies from taking the job.
• Have a work agreement. The International Nanny Association recommends
spelling out in detail the duties of the job and having both parents
and nannies sign on. The organization offers a sample contract that
deals with salary, benefits, insurance, tax considerations, as well as
family and nanny expectations, household information, health and
emergency, meals and vacations. You can buy the sample contract at www.nanny.org for $50.
• Check references. Double-check references. Ask former employers
specific questions about why the nanny is no longer employed by them
and if they would hire the nanny again. Get as much information as you
can.
• Check databases. Run the applicant's name and Social Security and
driver's license numbers through state and national databases to check
criminal history, driving records and other potential red flags.
• Opt for a placement firm. Nanny placement agencies typically charge a
$100 upfront fee, then get 10 percent of the negotiated gross annual
salary of the nanny when the placement is finalized. For that fee, the
agency screens applicants and checks references, provides a work
agreement and often offers educational materials for the nannies and
families to foster a long-term relationship.
• Even if you use a placement firm, make some calls yourself to double-check those references.
• Get tax savvy. The dreaded "Nanny Tax" has sunk many a presidential appointee who neglected to pay it. Firms like www.nannytaxprep.com offer to handle your nanny tax issues for an annual fee of $375.
• Trust your instincts. "Ninety percent of it is your gut reaction,"
Cascio says. "You have to ask yourself, 'How well is this person going
to fit in with my family?' "
-- Kathryn Hopper
Nannies in pop culture: A refresher course
The lovable ones . . .
• Mr. French: This English gentleman's gentleman was, for all practical
purposes, a nanny in a bowler hat on television's Family Affair. A
stickler for details, he cared for 6-year-old twins Buffy and Jody and
15-year-old Cissy while their guardian, Uncle Bill, led the swinging
singles life in 1960s New York.
• Mark Burnett: Before he launched Survivor, this Brit nannied in
Beverly Hills. He credits his stint as a nanny with giving him an
intimate glimpse inside the American Dream and the courage to pursue
his own dream -- sans diapers.
• Mary Poppins: What nanny list would be complete without the
sugar-spooning, quintessential supercalifragilisticexpialidocious nanny
played by Julie Andrews in Disney's 1964 version of the classic tale by
P.L. Travers?
• Fran Drescher: Her whiny Queens accent and form-fitting wardrobe won
millions of fans during her run of The Nanny TV series in the 1990s.
Achieved that ultimate nanny dream of marrying the boss, which means of
course that now she does the job for free.
• Maria Von Trapp: Andrews scores again as Maria, former nun turned
nanny to the Von Trapp clan in 1965's The Sound of Music. Gets extra
points for sewing clothes out of curtains. Oh, and she marries the
boss, too.
• Nanny: The nameless heroine of the bestselling The Nanny Diaries, by
former nannies Nicola Kraus and Emma McLaughlin. Nanny is hired by
Manhattan mom Mrs. X, even though her references are never checked
because, as Nanny explains, "I am white. I speak French. My parents are
college-educated. I have no visible piercings and have been to Lincoln
Center in the last two months."
. . . And the scary, nanny nightmares
• Peyton Flanders: The icy nanny (played by Rebecca De Mornay) in
1992's The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, she hid her asthmatic boss's
inhaler.
• Hulk Hogan: Starred in 1993's Mr. Nanny (just released last month on
DVD), surviving a bowling ball to the head and other kiddo antics.
• Mrs. Baylock: Little Damien's nanny in the 1976 horror flick The
Omen, she was one of Satan's most trusted handmaidens, sent to raise
the Antichrist.
• Vicky: Snarky nanny/baby sitter on Nickelodeon's animated series The
Fairly OddParents, her one joy in life, apart from watching television,
is making trouble for her charge, Timmy.
-- Kathryn Hopper
Kathryn Hopper is a Southlake mom with four children who was able to
write this story thanks to her wonderful nanny, Lisa. No, you can't
have her phone number.
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